Jeep Offers

A car was driving down the street when all of a sudden it started swerving. The car was going back and forth till someone with a cell phone called the police. A police officer pulled the car over. A blonde rolls down the window and says, " Officer, I'm so glad you are here. I saw a tree in the road, then I saw another. So I had to swerve to keep from hitting it!" The officer looks at her, then says, "Ma'am, that's your air freshener."
Q: What do you call a blonde in a Volkswagen?
A: FarFromThinking
Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.
Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?
A: Because she got an "F" in sex.
A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT".
After thinking for a minute, she said to herself "oh well !" and turned around an drove home.
On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES".
By the time she drove eight miles, shehad cleaned 43 restrooms.
Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is working?
A: Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No.
Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.
Q: What do you call an unmarried blond in a BMW?
A: Divorcee'
The Unites States government has issued a recall on all cars and trucks that have a headlight dimmer switch on the turn signal switch. The purpose for this is to cut the traffic accidents at night by 90%. Apparently that the 90% that they plan to cut is from blonds, because they keep getting their foot stuck in the steering wheel.
Q: Why can't a blonde get a drivers license?
A: Because every time the instructor says "Let's park" she jumps in the back seat.
Q: What do blondes and turtles have in common?
A: When they are on their backs they are screwed.
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A: The mosquito stops sucking after you smack it.
Q: A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks "Where did you get that?"
A: The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!"
Q: How did the blonde die ice fishing?
A: She was run over by the zambonis machine
(note from Zelo: for you REAL blondes out there that is the machine that makes ice in the ice-skating rinks!).
Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
A1: She'd just dyed her hair.
A2: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much.
Q: How did the dumb blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.
A blonde was walking along, when she looked up to observe a bird flying overhead. Suddenly, the bird drops a load when it was directly over her. The blonde says,
1. "Good thing I had my mouth open, or that would've hit me right in the face!!!"
2. "Good thing that cows don't fly."
There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it." I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.
I told my blonde girlfriend that I was going skeet shooting.
She told me she didn't know how to cook them.
A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette says suddenly, "Awww, look at the dead birdie."
The blonde stops, looks up, and says, "Where?"
Q: Did you hear about the blonde skydiver?
A: She missed the Earth!
Q: What did the blonde say to the physicist?
A: "Why, I just love nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?"
Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: She threw it off a cliff.
Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?
A: She drowns it.
Q: How does a blonde kill a worm?
A: She burys it.
Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down and said "Oh, look at the deer tracks." The other blonde looks and says "Those aren't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks." "No. Those are deer tracks." They keep arguing, and arguing, and one half hour later they were both killed by a train.
Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been sighted.
A blonde opened a box of Cheerios® and exclaimed "LOOK! A box of donut seeds!
Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar bill on her head?
A: All you can eat under a buck.
Q: Why is a blonde like a hardware store?
A: They are both 10¢ a screw!
Q: What is a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme!
Q: What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg?
A: Nothing. They've never met.
A: Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.
Q: What's the mating call of the blonde?
A: "I'm *sooo* drunk!"
Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"
Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick?
A: Because red means stop.
Q: Why do blondes wear hoop earrings?
A: They have to have some place to rest their ankles.
Q: Why do blondes where big hoop earrings?
A: To put their feet through.
Q: What's a brunette's mating call?
A: Has that blonde gone yet?
A2: When is that blonde ***** going to leave!?
A3: "All the blondes have gone home!"
Q: What do you say to a blonde that won't give in?
A: "Have another beer."
Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob?
A: Because everybody gets a turn.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a Porsche?
A: You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush?
A: You don't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush.
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and "The Titanic"?
A: They know how many men went down on "The Titanic".
Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
A1: Introduces him/her self.
A2: Walks home.
Q: How can you tell when a blonde is dating?
A: By the buckle print on her forehead.
Q: How can you tell who is a blonde's boyfriend?
A: He's the one with the belt buckle the matches the impression in her forehead.
Q: What two things in the air can get a blonde pregnant?
A: Her feet!
Q: What do blondes and cow-pats have in common?
A: They both get easier to pick-up with age.
Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A: The more you bang it, the looser it gets.
Q: What do you call two nuns and a blonde?
A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver.
Q: Why did the blonde cross the road?
A1: Forget the road, what was she doing out of the bedroom!?
A2: I don't know.
R: Neither did she.
Q: Why did the blonde smile when she walked the marriage aisle?
A: She realized she gave her last *******.
Q: Why did the blonde have a sore navel?
A: Because her boyfriend was also blond!
Q: Why did they call the blonde "twinkie"?
A: She liked to be filled with cream.
Did you hear the one about the blonde who thought that "love handles" referred to her ears?
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster?
A: In the morning a rooster says, "Cock'll-doodl-doooo", while a blonde says, "Any-cock'll-doooo."
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and the Grand Old Duke of York?
A: The Grand Old Duke of York only 'had' 10000 men.
Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
A: So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides.
Q: What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac, and a blonde?
A: The prostitute says, "Aren't you done yet?"
The nympho says, "Are you done already?"
The blonde says, "Beige...I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a telephone?
A: It costs 30 cents to use a telephone.
Q: What do blondes wear behind their ears to attract men.
A: Their heels.
Confucius say; blonde who fly upside down have crack up.
Q: What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10?
A: She picks up her purse and goes home.
A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends:
Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row!
Blonde: That's nothing; last night I had over a hundred.
Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good.
Blonde: ( looking shocked ) Oh, you mean with one guy.
Q: How do you describe the perfect blonde?
A: 3 feet tall, no teeth, and a flat head to rest your beer on.
Q: Why do blondes have vaginas?
A: So guys will talk to them at parties.
... then there was the blonde who started the restaurant with the slogan "Billions Served - just today"
Q: What do blondes do after they comb their hair?
A: They pull up their pants.
Q: Why is 68 the maximum speed for blonds?
A: Because at 69 they blow a rod...
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
A: You can only put 3 fingers in a bowling ball.

Yo mamma's so fat, when she went to the beach, the whales sang "We are family!"
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Your Momma's so fat, when she blinks, her eyelids clap!
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Your Mama is so stupid, she sits on the Television and watches the sofa.
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Yo mamma's so poor, she can't afford to go on welfare.
Yo mamma's so poor, she got thrown out of a homeless shelter.
Yo mamma's so poor, she tried to use food stamps on a gumball machine.
Yo mamma's so poor, a burgler broke into her house and left her some money.
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There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
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A man worked hard all day digging the garden and felt very stiff and sore.
His wife fluttered about him, pleased with the amount of work he had done and anxious to get him to do some more.
"Have a nice soak in the bath and I'll bring you a drink," she suggested smiling.
"Good idea," says the husband looking forward to being waited on.
He's in the bath when she comes in with a nice glass of Scotch which he accepts happily.
"If there's anything else you'd like just call," says the wife as she leaves the bathroom.
When she got halfway along the landing the husband relaxes completely and lets off an enormous long fart in the bath.
A few minutes later, despite it being a very warm Summer's evening, the wife comes in with a fluffy bed warmer
"What the heck is that for?" asks the husband snappily.
"Oh Darling," says the wife, flustered, "I thought I heard you say, "Whataboutahottawaterbottle." [Not too funny]
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CHRIS BROWN AND RIHANNA HAVE GOTTEN BACK TOGETHER AND DECIDED TO DO A SONG FOR WHICH ALL PROCEEDS WILL GO TO A WOMANS ABUSE CHARITY
AFTER RECIEVEING 50 ORIGINAL SONGS THEY CANT CHOOSE WHICH ONE THEY WANT TO RECORD
SO INSTEAD THEY COVER HIT ME BABY ONE MORE TIME:)
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two sperms were swimming along and one said to the other " how far to the ovary" the other one repiled "miles were only passing the tonsells"
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Question: If a blonde and a brunette fell off a building, who would hit the ground first?
Answer: The brunette - the blonde would have to stop for directions!
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The assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve.
"Six please" she said, "I could never eat twelve!"
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A blonde was walking down the road with a healthy looking pig under her arm. As she passed the bus stop, someone asked,
"Where did you get that?"
The pig replied,
"I won her in a raffle!"
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A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found a new blonde girl painting the walls. She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket.
Thinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall.
She showed him the instructions on the tin,
"For best results, put on two coats".
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Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their car with a coat hanger.
First Blonde:
"I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
Second Blonde:
Well you better hurry up. It's starting to rain and the top is down!
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Three blondes were walking through a field when they came across a set of tracks.
The first blonde looked down at the tracks and said,
"I think they could be bird tracks."
The second blonde went to look and said,
"No, I think these are deer tracks."
They stepped aside and the third blonde went over to the tracks. She looked down, then got run over by the train!
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A blonde asked someone what time it was, and they told her it was 4:45. The blonde, with a puzzled look on her face replied,
"You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer."
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A blonde was driving down the road listening to the radio and was quite upset when she heard blonde joke after blonde joke. A little way down the road, she saw another blonde out in a field rowing a boat. The blonde stopped her car and angrily jumped out yelling,
"You dumb blonde bimbo! It's blondes like you that give the r

Dem' smart city folk
A man from the city is out plowing his field and gets his tractor stuck in the wet ground.
A farmer driving by stops his truck and walks to the fence to call over the city feller. You need a mule to plow such wet ground he says.
"Where can I buy one?" he is asked.
Well, I just happened to have one for 100 dollars he says.
"I'll take him," says the other man as he counts out the money.
I can't bring him over today. I don't work on Sunday morrow OK?
"Sure."
The next day the truck pulls up and the old farmer gets out. He says, "sorry, bad news."
I went out after breakfeast and the mule was dead.
The city feller says just give me my money back then.
"Can't, spent it already!"
"Well... unload the mule then."
"What ya gonna do with him?"
"Raffle him off!"
"Naw, ya cant raffle off a dead mule!"
"Just watch me us! City fellers know a few tricks."
One month goes by and the city feller and farmer run into each other at the barber shop.
"What did ya do with that dead mule?"
"Raffled him off, sold 100 tickets at two dollars each and made 98 dollars profit."
"Didn't anyone complain?"
"Just one guy so I gave him his two dollars back!"
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Visiting a rural farm
Rush Limbaugh and his chauffeur were out driving in the country and accidentally hit and killed a pig that had wandered out on a country road. Limbaugh told the chauffeur to drive up to the farm and apologize to the farmer.
They drove up to the farm, the chauffeur got out and knocked on the front door and was let in. He was in there for what seemed like hours. When the chauffeur came out, Limbaugh was confused about why his driver had been in there so long.
"Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then he offered me a beer, then his wife brought me some cookies, and his daughter showered me with kisses." explained the driver.
"What did you tell the farmer?" Limbaugh asked.
The chauffeur replied, "I told him I was Rush Limbaugh's driver and I'd just killed the pig.
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Very hostile farmer
A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled.
The farmer said, "That's once."
A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again.
The farmer said, "That's twice."
After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again.
The farmer didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse.
His brand new bride yelled, telling him, "That was an awful thing to do."
The farmer said, "That's once."
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Texan farmer travels
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".
Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those"?
The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?

A young man named Gordon bought a donkey from an old farmer for £100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day, but when the farmer drove up he said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news... the donkey is on my truck, but unfortunately he's dead. Gordon replied, "Well then, just give me my money back." The farmer said, "I can't do that, because I've spent it already. Gordon said, "OK then, well just unload the donkey anyway. The farmer asked, "What are you going to do with him?" Gordon answered, "I'm going to raffle him off." To which the farmer exclaimed, "Surely you can't raffle off a dead donkey!" But Gordon, with a wicked smile on his face said, "Of course I can, you watch me. I just won't bother to tell anybody that he's dead.
" A month later the farmer met up with Gordon and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?" Gordon said, "I raffled him off, sold 500 tickets at two pounds a piece, and made a huge, fat profit!!" Totally amazed, the farmer asked, "Didn't anyone complain that you had
stolen their money because you lied about the donkey being dead?" To which Gordon replied, "The only guy who found out about the donkey being dead was the raffle winner when he came to claim his prize. So I gave him his £2 raffle ticket money back plus an extra £200, which as you know is double the going rate for a donkey, so he thought I was great guy!!
Gordon grew up and eventually became the Chancellor of the Exchequer, and no matter how many times he lied, or how much money he stole from the British voters, as long as he gave them back some of the stolen money, most of them, unfortunately, still thought he was a great guy.
The moral of this story is that, if you think Gordon is about to play fair and do something for the everyday people of the country for once in his miserable, lying life, think again my friend, because you'll be better off flogging a dead donkey.