1.) After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, “Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?”
“Yes,” the golfer responded.
“Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?”
“Yes, I did. How did you know?” he asked.
“Well,” said the policeman very seriously, “Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver’s windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn’t make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?”
The golfer thought it over carefully and responded…
“I think I’ll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb.”
2.) A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family’s 6 year old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the construction crew – gems in the rough all of them – more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot.
They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar.
The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, “I’ve been working with a crew building a house all week.”
“My goodness gracious,” said the teller, “and will you be working on the house again this week too?”
“I will if those useless ****suckers at the lumber yard ever bring us the *******’ drywall,” replied the little girl.
3.) Tom, Dick and Harry were in the pub enjoying a few quiet drinks one night, when they decided to get in on the weekly raffle
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They bought five tickets each, seeing it was for charity. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize.
Tom won the first prize – a whole year’s supply of Gourmet Spaghetti sauce.
Dick was the winner of the second prize – six month’s supply of extra-long Gourmet Spaghetti.
And Harry won the sixth prize – a Toilet Brush.
When they met in the pub a week later, Harry asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes.
“Great,” said Tom. “I love spaghetti.”
“So do I,” said Dick. “And how’s the toilet brush, Harry?”
“Not so good,” Harry said, “I reckon I’ll go back to paper…”