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A young guy was complaining to his Boss about the problems he was having with his stubborn girlfriend.
“She gets me so angry sometimes I could hit her, the young man exclaimed.”
“Well, I’ll tell you what I used to do with my wife” replied the Boss. “Whenever she got out of hand I’d take her pants down and spank her”.
Shaking his head the young guy replied “I’ve tried that… it doesn’t work for me. Once I get her pants down I’m not mad anymore.”
There’s an old couple, both in their 70′s, on a sentimental holiday back to the place where they first met. They’re sitting in a pub and he says to her, “Do you remember the first time we had s*x together over fifty years ago? We went behind the barn. You leaned against the fence and I made l*ve to you from behind.”
“Yes, she says, I remember it well.” she replies.
“OK, he says, How about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old times sake?”
Smiling his wife responds, “Oh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea, she answers.”
There’s a man sitting at the next table listening to all this, having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, I’ve got to see this, two old timers having s*x against a fence. So he follows them.
They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the barn and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her kn**kers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and hangs on to the fence and the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious s*x the watching man has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes. She’s yelling Ohhh God! He’s hanging on to her hips for dear life.
This is the most athletic s*x imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The guy watching is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn’t know. He starts to think about his own aged parents and wonders whether they still have s*x like this.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The guy, still watching thinks, That was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I’ve got to ask him what his secret is.
As the couple pass, the guy says to them, “That was something else, you must have been sh**ging for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? Is there some sort of secret?”
“No, there’s no secret, the old man says, except fifty years ago that f**king fence wasn’t electrified.”
Every year at the state fair Paul entered the lottery for the brand new truck and lost. This year, he told his friend David, he wasn’t going to bother and enter.
“What kind of attitude is that?” David asked. He leaned closer and whispered, “What you need, pal, is faith. Look around and see if the good Lord sends you a message.”
Strolling around the fair, Paul grew more and more despondent as the drawing neared. Nothing struck him, no divine inspiration, no sign from God.
Finally, while he was passing old Mrs. Kelleher’s pie stand, he glanced over and saw the woman bending down. She wasn’t wearing any panties, and suddenly her a*s began to glow. Suddenly a finger of flame came from the skies and without her even knowing it, used her a*s as a table. The fiery finger etched a seven on each cheek.
Thanking God, Paul rushed to the raffle booth and played the number 77.
A few minutes later, the drawing was held. And once again, Paul lost. The winning number was 707.
Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with a great big smile on his face. Mike says, “Pat, what are you so happy for?”
“Well Mike, I gotta tell ya… Yesterday I was out waxin’ my boat, just waxin’ my boat, and a redhead came up to me.. t*ts out to here, Mike. T*ts out to here! She says, ‘Can I have a ride in your boat?’
I said ‘Sure you can have a ride in my boat.’ So I took her way out, Mike. I turned off the key and I said ‘It’s either scr*w or swim!’ She couldn’t swim, Mike. She couldn’t swim!”
The next day Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with a even bigger smile on his face. Mike says, “What are you happy about today Pat?”
“Well Mike…. I gotta tell ya… Yesterday I was out waxin’ my boat, just waxin’ my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me…t*ts out to here, Mike. T*ts out to here! She said ‘Can I have a ride in your boat?’
I told her ‘Sure you can have a ride in my boat.’ So I took her way out, Mike. Way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said, ‘It’s either scr*w or swim!’ She couldn’t swim, Mike! She couldn’t swim!”
A couple days pass and Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat down there cryin’
over a beer. Mike says, “Pat, what are you so sad for?”
“Well Mike, I gotta tell ya…. Yesterday I was out waxin’ my boat, just
waxin’ my bo

Tags: About, Finish, Laughter, These, Today's

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